Saturday, July 19, 2008

I'm no good at titles, no good at all

For awhile now I've been feeling like I'm not living up to my potential. I've sort of been on a quest the last couple of weeks to figure out why that is. I've been trying to be more honest with myself and basically just reevaluate where I am in life and where I'd like to be.

I haven't uncovered any amazing solutions are even any really major problems but I'm realizing that I've been hiding behind some stuff for a long time and not really letting myself shine in areas where I could be. I'm also becoming very aware of the fact that I'm not good at showing weakness or asking for help (or even admitting to myself when I need it).

Anyway, I've decided to take some steps to accomplish a few main goals...get healthier, more organized, and more financially stable. Overall I just want to feel more at peace with who I am and feel more fulfilled. Does that make me sound like some kind of spiritual freak?? I'm not. I'm just realizing how quickly life is passing by. I think when I was younger I always had a sense that there was plenty of time to accomplish anything that I wanted. I worked jobs that I was bored with and kept friends that I shouldn't have. I didn't take my goals seriously enough to actively pursue them (or some of them, at least) because I figured I'd get to it at some point. Actually I don't think I let myself even have any concrete goals.
I was just living day to day without really thinking too far ahead. Basically I was immature.

All of the sudden it's hitting me how big the boys have gotten and how quickly time is flying by. I think a lot of this is coming from the fact that Gentry will start Kindergarten in the fall and my 30th birthday will be here before I know it. It's not that 30 is old but it feels like a "grown up" age and I'm realizing that in many ways I'm not very grown up at all.

It seems like in the blink of an eye 10 years have gone by. I don't want the next 10 to pass without doing something meaningful. I want the almost 40 year old me to be proud of the accomplishments I made in my 30's.

I'm not very good at dealing with change and I tend to lack follow-through so we'll see how this goes but I feel motivated and that's a start at least. Right?

Stay tuned.

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